Therapy and Loneliness

“It is a joy to be hidden. A disaster not to be found.”

This is a quote from a famous psychoanalyst, Donald Winnicott, who came to prominence in the 1940s. He was referring to the joy of play, but the pain of when it goes awry. Think of the child who plays hide and seek, but then is forgotten about as the other players move on to other things.

Sometimes we like to hide ourselves, keep some of ourselves a mystery to others, and keep something back for ourselves. But at the end of the day we are relational beings and we if our hiding means we cannot be found or are not found, well, then we suffer. We can be lonely, we can feel unsupported, and we can feel like we are not fully alive. We become somewhat imprisoned.

Often, when a child is not seen or supported sufficiently when they are young, they can grow into adults that find it hard to share themselves with others. They learned to look after themselves by withdrawing and retreating. And yet some part of them still yearns for that connection with another; to share themselves, to be seen and understood by someone else. But breaking the old habit can involve a lot of difficulty; there is a push-pull when it comes to connection. What is yearend for is also feared.

A healing psychotherapy relationship can offer a person a place where they can be found; when there is authentic, empathic attention and interest, and importantly when it is learned that ruptures in the relationship can be resolved and survived, then a finding can happen. The risk seems worth it, as together with the therapist, the fear can be explored and then with time it doesn’t overwhelm or block things up so much. This can be a profound process and a life-giving one for a person perhaps well acquainted with loneliness. As they come out of hiding, flow and creativity can come in; they connect and come into themselves in a much fuller way. New challenges come, but they can be met with more strength and with the help of others. Loneliness is replaced with connection.